Twenty-Two.

This is the way the story goes.

I'm doing good.
I'm doing school.
I have a good relationship.
Good friends, good family.

But something is missing.

I want to be home.
I need to be home.

Sooner or later, I may have to re-think this.

Twenty-One.

This weekend has been the single greatest weekend of my entire life. I had the most amazing 20th birthday with my closest friends, my family and my amazing boyfriend. I will remember every amazing moment of it forever. And, I celebrated my one year anniversary with my amazing boyfriend, with my closest friends right there with us. Everyone got along, everyone was happy and laughing and joking around. It was in a word... perfect. I can never replace these people:

MJY - GRM - FKEA - CJB - JJG - NDR - FRC - NDWH

They are the ones who matter most. They are the ones who have made this weekend everything it should've been and more. They are the ones who are happy for me. They are the ones I can't live without. They are the ones who will be there for me whenever, wherever I need them. I love you.


To you... I almost let you ruin what was supposed to be one of the happiest days of my life. But I didn't. You want to sit there and cry and lose friends over something as insignificant as an ex-boyfriend you do that. I will not let you ruin my day, I will not let you ruin my life. If one day you choose to come and apologize, I may be able to forgive you, but I may not. We will see as time goes on. But don't blame this on us. This one was not our fault. Good luck.

Twenty.

What do you say to someone who doesn't want to hear it? I know why they are all mad. I know what she wants me to say, but is it worth it? Is it going to matter? Is it going to change anything? I leave in a week to go to a random place I've never lived before in my entire life. I won't have them, I'll only have three people. Three people to help me. And one of them has never lived in this place himself! So that's no help. So what do I say to them? What do I say to make them understand? What do I do to make it better? Okay, maybe this weekend was a stupid decision. I honestly didn't think anyone was going to react that badly to it, except you. But I figured you and I could've still gone out and gotten breakfast or lunch or dinner, like you had wanted to. When you saw me, you didn't even mention that! You were wrapped up in the fact she was there. And now you're playing this big mind game with me! It's so stupid! I can't even stand it! And you, I didn't think you would've cared AT ALL! Apparently, I was wrong. He should've cared but he even took the time to come and see me! Does that mean that he's the only one that cares? Or... I don't even know. I miss you guys. I know we're not as close as we all once were, but I miss you. I want you guys in my life, I need you guys as a support system, even though you're not a 20 minute bus ride away. How do I tell you this? You don't even care.

Nineteen.

This could be the best or worst decision of my entire life!

will it work out the way I want it to?

Eighteen.

I feel very, alone. I know I have friends, I know I have best friends. But...

She has her.
She has him.
He's leaving.
He's got her.
She's not even here.

What do I have? Sure I've got a guy who lives 2 hours from here who cares about me and supports me. But, he's not my everything. I adore him, I may even love him somewhere deep down inside. When it comes down to it though he's not all I need. I need you, and you're leaving me soon. I need you both but you both have each other. I need you, but you have him, he's your everything. You, have her which is more important to you then anything else. You're not even here so I can't go to you whenever wherever. Don't get me wrong, I like my life. It's a good life for the most part. I have a loving family, a devoted and caring guy, good friends who love me just the way I am. Yet, I still feel very empty inside. I feel like I'm not complete and I don't know what will complete me. Maybe I'm just being a big emotional sack of shit. This is just how I feel right now. I don't know when, or if this will ever change, but for now this is how I feel. And I miss him, a lot. Being away from him for so long kills me. It hurts so bad. Should I go there? Should I be there? Should I leave my life here and be with him? Is it worth it? I don't know where to go or what to do at this point and time. For now, I just need to do what I'm doing and try to be happy. Right?

Seventeen.

I've had enough of everyone's bullshit. Everyone thinks they know everything about my life, but really no one knows anything. No one knows what goes through my head day after day night after night. It's just ridiculous. They think I don't know what gets said behind my back. I'm not an effing idiot. I know. I know that no one has faith in me anymore. I know that no one believes I can do certain things, and it's effing stupid. I'm so tired of it. Some days I think it would all be easier if I could just... but that can't happen. I just want everything to be okay and to work out. I just want to be able to be happy. Sure I act happy, but 95% of that is a complete and utter lie! I do it so that no one will know that I'm really not okay. Nothing's okay. I wonder if it's ever going to be okay. I don't even want to be happy, I just want to be okay. I know there are people who care and who want me to be happy, but somedays I wonder if even those people really care. I don't even know anymore. I just want to drown my sorrows in a bottle of Vodka. But is that going to solve anything? No of course not. I have to keep my head held high and fake it till I make it. At least that's what they tell me.

Sixteen.

I can't do this anymore. It's breaking my heart.

Some days I think the one I want is you, but I think I'm wrong.
I think my head is telling me I want you, but my heart...

My heart says something totally different.
I don't know if I can come there...

I just don't know right now.
Life is too confusing at the moment.

Fifteen.

And this. This is to you.

She may be here.
But it won't be forever.

Who's been here the longest?
Who's helped me through so much?

Who's laughed and cried and smoked and joked with me?

Who's the one sitting across the table from me on December 15th.

Remember that. And when you feel like I'm not there enough.
Remember December 15th and know that you are the only person in this entire universe who can sit across the table from me on that day.

Fourteen.

Growing up. The hardest thing anyone will ever have to do in life is that. My life has changed drastically over the past few years and it's crazy to look back at the things I used to do and the things I used to care about. Now things are totally different. Today it's about, having a job, getting school done before it's too late. It's about finding and being with that "perfect" someone. Everyone who enters my life has an effect on the things I choose to do. So which people stay? Which people go? Is there ever a good way to make a decision like that? It's not easy. People say it will get better, but I really wonder if it ever will.

This is to all the people who walked into my life and changed me and made me who I am today.
This is to all the things I've done that have made me the strong person I am.
This is to all the boys who broke my heart, but taught me something.

And finally... this is to all the people who are still here.
After all the tears, and the bullshit. You guys are the ones who matter.

Thirteen.

So, this letter is to you. You know who you are. Things suck between us right now. We used to be really close but I feel like we've grown apart a lot. And I feel like I can't trust you sometimes. I know you've said some things behind my back, and I've heard about it and it hurts that you would say things like that about me. I'm supposed to be your best friend and you're not supposed to say things like that about me. Ever. End of story. But you do... and that sucks. I know I've said shit about you too but it's never been anything major... well at least I don't think it has been. If it has I apologize. We shouldn't talk about each other behind each others backs. We should be there to support each other. And I know I haven't been very supportive about you moving to Edmonton, but that's because I'm not ready for you to just leave again. You left me once. I didn't have you at all for like 2 and a half years. And then when you guys broke up I hardly got to have it be just me and you.... cuz you were so obsessed with guys. And then you met him and now you guys are together. I know eventually we all grow up, but I've just never had a chance to hang out with you and have it just be you and me because you've always had someone else on your mind. You've always had someone else who knew just that little bit more about you then I did. Even your current boyfriend knows something about you that I don't. That effing hurts, more then like anything else. I don't really know what to do about you anymore. Some days you really annoy me but sometimes I just miss you, even when I'm with you. You're still my best friend and always will be and I don't ever want that to change. Ever. I love you. No one could ever replace you and the things we've been through together.

I love you.
Autumn + Reighn.
December 15, Forever.

Twelve.

I don't know why it bothers me so much. And really it shouldn't. I know he likes me, and I know she's my best friend. But still... it drives me nuts to know they are talking when I'm not around. I know it would drive her nuts if I was talking to her "love" while she wasn't around. So why is that she can do it to me? AND she can tell him things that she apparently can't tell me? I'm her BEST friend, she's supposed to be able to tell me everything. It's just so dumb. Who knows what they're talking about. I think that's what bugs me the most. I don't know what they're talking about. Maybe I'm just being a jealous idiot, but it's how I feel. I have a right to feel this way... Don't I? I mean he is my "love" interest at the moment. I'm the one who wants to be with him. So why does my best friend have to continuously talk to him? It bugs me. Bugs me a lot. I know I should just tell them that it bugs me, but I can't seem to do that. Why? I have no flippin idea. I think I'm afraid one or both of them will judge me for being this way. Well at least I'm scared he will. And she, well I know exactly what she'll say "O Jenn we're not talking about anything important, I'm just trying to convince him to go out with you." I don't want someone to convince him to go out with me, I want him to want to go out with me all on his own. Like goodness. I don't go trying to convince her "love" interest to go out with her. I let her deal with that. Her job as my best friend is to sit there and listen to me talk about him, and when the time comes either be really happy because he asked me out, or be really sad because he doesn't want to be with me. THAT'S what she's supposed to do. But she doesn't. She doesn't let me talk about him because she's too wrapped up in her own little love thing right now. So I don't get my chance to talk about him, so I come here to this website, to vent... to NO ONE, when it should be my best friend I'm venting to. This seriously sucks. I just wish they would stop having these little conversations. Really, it would be friggen fantastic.

Eleven.

If roses are meant to be red.And violets to be blue. Why isn't my heart meant for you. My hands longing to touch you. But I can barely breathe. Starry eyes that make me melt. Right in front of me. Lost in this world. I even get lost in this song. And when the lights go down. That is where I'll be found. This music's irresistible. Your voice makes my skin crawl. Innocent and pure. I guess you heard it all before. Mister Inaccessible. Will this ever change. One thing that remains the same. You're still a picture in a frame. Lost in this world. I even get lost in this song. And when the lights go down. That is where I'll be found. I get lost in this world. I get lost in your eyes. And when the lights go down. That's where I'll be found. Yeah yeah. I get lost in this world. I get lost in your eyes. And when the lights go down. Am I the only one

Ten.

I try to do something nice for someone and it backfires on me. I do something because my mom asks me too, and then my brother gets pissed off at me because I won't do something illegal. So I have to do this thing for my mom anyways, and then my brother threatens to bash my head in. Like, this is my brother we're talking about. If it was just some dude or chick who was being an ass to me for no reason then whatever, I could brush it off... but this is my little brother. The one person who is always supposed to be there for me and love me no matter what happens in life. I've been there for him more then most people will ever be there for him. He just makes me feel like shit. I was there after school everyday when I could've been out with my friends.... I was there feeding him and making sure he was alright. After his father (my step father) passed away I was there making sure he was doing ok and wasn't going to go nuts or get depressed. I was more worried about him then I was about myself. I've been there for him when he needed me the most. I've tried to be the best sister I can be, and he's been a good brother to me, and I know he'll always be there for me when I really need him. But does he has to go and threaten me like that? He doesn't threaten his other siblings like that. Maybe it's because they're not around as much as I am. Who knows, I just wish that he wouldn't do that and just be a bit nicer to me sometimes. I don't know, I guess it doesn't really matter. He's my brother.... right....

Nine.

I don't know what's wrong with me. These past few weeks I've been really upset like all the time. All I ever want to do is sit at home, listen to sad music and cry. I don't know what it is, or why it started. It's just happened. I hate it. I haven't been this upset this long since I used to be depressed. I don't want to be depressed. I thought I was past that stage in my life. I guess I'm not. Ugh. This sucks. I want to go somewhere. Actually, if I had one wish right now, I would wish to be with him. I would want to be his girlfriend. Fuck, I feel like I'm 14 again and there's a guy I have this huge crush on. Except I'm not 14. And I know the difference between a tiny little crush and actually having feelings for someone. Why is this happening to me... Everyday I think about the different things that could happen. The different things I could do, but in the end I know I can't. Maybe I need to go back to where I used to be. Talk things out. Feel normal for an hour of the day. Who knows, I think I'll talk to my mom when she gets home tomorrow and let her know exactly what's going on. This sucks. I just want to go back to when I was ok. To when I was happy.

Eight.

I'm home. I don't want to be home. I had such a good time this weekend, and now it just sucks being home. I have to go to sleep by myself, wake up by myself. It just sucks. I know this sounds ridiculous, but I already miss him. I don't want to miss him, but I do. I don't want to be emotionally involved but I am. I just want to go back to Stettler and stay with him forever. I want to go lay in bed and have him hold me and love me. I want to have amazing sex with him and have him kiss me and touch me exactly where he knows I like it. It sucks. I love his little mobile home, and his little doggies, and his little yellow car. Now, I don't even know what's going to happen. I want to be with him so badly, but it's so hard when he lives two and a half hours away from me. Last night we had this conversation because I was all upset. I was just worried about what was going to happen when I came home. He told me everything was going to be ok, and we'd figure it out. He's not home right now, which makes me worry. I know he was going to see his friend after he dropped me off at the bus station. So what if he's with her right now, having a better time then he had with me? I met his parents for fucks sakes. And I got along with them pretty well if you ask me. His mom is so cute, and his dad is so nice. It kills me not to know where this is going. If anywhere. I know I'm just going to get hurt again, and that's what sucks the most. I don't think it's going to work out the way I want it too. I told myself when he came down for my birthday that it was just sex and nothing more, but it's turned in to something so much more then that. Like last night when he kissed me, he really kissed me. It wasn't just one of those "I'm going to kiss you because you want me to", it was a "I'm going to kiss you because I want, because I need to". I just want to know that everything is going to be alright. That I'm going to make it through this no matter which way it goes. He called me baby yesterday, he doesn't call anyone baby unless he really cares about someone. AND I met his parents! I mean come on, how much more do I have to do for him to be like, ok let's date. If he asked me to be with him, and move to Stettler and live with him, I would. All he needs to do is ask me and I would do it. Not because I'm like crazy in love with him or anything, but because I think it would be worth it in the end. Who knows what'll happen. I just want him to come online, and be like "hey cutie, I miss you, when are you coming back?". It's not going to happen though. Ugh. I hate getting emotionally involved. I hate missing him like I do. This sucks.

Seven.

So this weekend, I'm in Stettler. Why? Well at the last minute I decided to leave my house, take a cab, and a bus and come to Stettler. I don't really have a ton of time to write, the guitar is being played, and it's fucking hot to watch haha. I get home tomorrow, and then I will really write everything down. For now, I'm going to watch hot boy play guitar,

Six.

Today, was horrible. Well not really horrible, but bad enough. My two "best guy friends" were supposed to come hang out and we waited all day for them. We called them, texted them, tried everything to just figure out when they were coming over. We never got a straight answer. They just said "we're coming soon". So finally at 9:30 tonight I called them and they didn't answer, then Jess called them from a number they don't know and they answered. I was pissed. They just made me feel like shit and so unappreciated and it sucks. They are supposed to be my best friends but all they do is lie to me and make me feel like shit. I wish I could just be like, you know what, FUCK YOU. But for some odd reason, I just can't do it. And it totally sucks. I'm so tired of their bullshit. I don't know what to do anymore. But then Jess and I went and got some alcohol and I talked to my love. He's so cute, and I adore him. It sucks though cuz he lives like 2 and 1/2 hours away from me. I hate it. But I talk to him everyday and he calls me and we talk about everything. It's kind of scary though because I know he wants something serious. He's 29 for goodness sakes how could he not want something serious. Don't get me wrong I want something serious too. I've had my fun and now I feel like it's time to settle down and get going with my life. I need to get my school done, and I need to be with someone who will support me while I'm doing my school. Not someone who will support me financially just someone who will respect the fact that I'm trying to get an education so that I can go to college and have a career by the time I'm 25. And my love does understand all that. I want to settle down and be in a serious relationship. I just don't know when, where or who I want to do that with. It's so weird. Plus, lately I've been feeling like I don't really know who I am. And how can someone else love me when I don't even know who I am. I think I just need to take a chill pill, relax, go with the flow, let the chips fall where they may and have fun. Right?

Five.

So this is my first blog post in almost a year. I'm not 19 years old. This birthday was just as dramatic and ridiculous as my 18th was. The same friend who was going to disinvite himself last year almost didn't come this year. He's really a big whiny bastard and sometimes I really don't like him, but when it comes down to it, I care about him more then most people in the world. It's kind of pathetic how I can't just say goodbye to him for good. I think I'll start using this blog more often, because none of my friends know about it so I can vent about everything that is bugging me about everyone and I'll be happy. My best friend is seeing this guy right now, she JUST broke up with her boyfriend of 2 and a half years and now she's already seeing some new guy. I don't really know what to think about it, I mean, she's slept with 2 guys since her and her boyfriend broke up. It's a really bad situation though, because her ex is going psycho on her. She lives with him, and he's being a total jerk to her. Like it's fucking nuts the things he's doing, and I'm really scared for her life. Like, he's a big guy, he could hurt her. He already has, and I'm scared he's going to come home wasted one night and just flip out on her and kill her. She needs to get out of there as soon as she can. Anyways, back to me. My life right now is so weird. I don't really know what to think. I don't really know who I am anymore. And I don't really know if I want a relationship or anything. There are a few guys who like me, but the one guy I like lives 2 and a half hours away from me. Which would be really hard to deal with, but I think if it was worth it, it'd be ok. My best friend is on her way over here right now because her ex is flipping out. GOD he's such an ass. I want to go and like punch him in the face but I know I can't =( I should go. Till next time.
xoxo.babygirl

Four.

Birthday!!!... or not.

My 18th birhtday is in 8 days. There was supposed to be all this excitment surronding it and all of my friends were excited because finally I was going to be 18. I was excited because finally I don't have to sit at home and do nothing while my 18+ friends go out and have a good time and meet new people. But now, there is no birthday. Nothing, there will be no party, there will be no celebration, there will be NOTHING!!!!!!! Except for a stupid family birthday thing on sunday which is also fathers day. Some people may think I'm crazy for not having a birthday party. For not having this huge bash where me and all my friends can get drunk off our fucking faces and not remember a thing that happened. That' what most 18 year olds do on their birthdays right? Well not me, not anymore. Why? Because one of my best friends has decided that he is going to "dis-invite" himself from my birthday. If one of my best friends isn't going to come for the stupid reasons he isn't coming then there is going to be no birthday celebration for me. I don't care what kind of plans were going to be made. I don't care what I was going to get from who. If one of my best friends in the entire world isn't coming there is no birthday to be had. End of Story.

So now, it's up to him. If he decides to come there will be a brithday and I will be drunk.
If not, there will be no birthday, it will just be another day in my fucking life.

Three.

One - can you spell your name without the vowels? Jnnfr Hrkr

two. - Are you single? Kind of.

three. - What’s your favorite number? 19 or 6

four. - What's your favorite color? Black and Pink.

five.- Least favorite color? Yellow.

six.- What are you listening to? Beerfest the movie.

seven. - What do you smoke? Yes.

eight. - Are you happy with your life right now? Kind of.

nine. - Anyone ever said you resemble a celebrity? Uhh No.

ten.- What is your favorite class? English was my favorite.

eleven.- Do you shop at hollister/abercrombie/AE? Haha No.

twelve. - How do you make money? Chores till I get a job

thirteen. - Where do you go to school? I do it at home.

fourteen. - Are you outgoing? Most of the time

fifteen. - two words to describe you? Fantastic and Unique.

sixteen. - Favorite pair of shoes? My "princess" Adidas.

seventeen. - Do you own big sunglasses? I broke mine :(

eighteen.- Where do you wish you were right now? In Okotokes with my baby.

nineteen. - What should you be doing right now? Watching a movie.

twenty. - Do you have a crush on anyone right now? My baby.

Crying Section.

Ever really cried your heart out? Yes...

Ever cried yourself to sleep? Many a times.

Ever cried on your friend's shoulder? Yea. I did the other day.

Ever cried over the opposite sex? Haha ya.

Do you cry when you get an injury? Sometimes, depends on how bad it is

Do certain songs make you cry? Definetly.

Do certain movies make you cry? Yes.

HAPPY SECTION:

Are you a happy person? I try to be.

What can make you happy? My friends, getting ready, my mom and brother, my puppies, my baby.

Do you wish you were happier? Somedays yes.

Is being happy overrated? Sometimes I think so.

Can music make you happy? Definetly.

LOVE SECTION:

How many times have you had your heart broken? 3 times.

Have you ever loved someone so much that you'd die for them? Yes. Twice.

Has anyone besides your friends and family ever said 'I love you' to you? Yes.

HATE SECTION:

Do you actually hate anyone? No not actually.

Ever made a hit list?No.

Ever been on anyones hit list? How should I know?

Are you a mean bully? I try not to be.

Do you hate George Bush? No I just dislike him

LOOK AT ME:

What is your current hair color? Redd-ish,brown-ish,blonde-ish.

Current piercings? 2 in the ears, cartiladge of right ear, nose and tongue.

Have any tattoos? Will in a few months.

Straight hair or curly: Naturally straight.

CURRENTLY WEARING:

What shirt are you wearing? A brown tank top.

What pants are you wearing? My minnie and mickey mouse pjs

HAVE YOU EVER:

Hugged someone? Ya I hug people all the time.

Been on the phone until the sun came up? Yes... many times.

Laughed so hard you cried? A few times.

THE LAST:

Person you talked to in person? Florin.

Person you talked to on msn? Jon, Sean and Denim <3

Person you talked to on the phone? Jon.

Person you texted? Denim, my baby.

MISCELLANEOUS:

Do you like surveys? Yea I guess so.

What kind of shampoo do you use? Anti-Flat shampoo lol.

Do you have mental breakdowns? Sometimes.

CURRENT:

Current mood: Sad, tired, cold.

Current hair style: Curly so it will be good tomorrow.

Two.

Emotional breakdowns suck.
I broke down tonight really bad.
I thought I was going to do something bad but I didn't.
I'm proud of myself. But the point is...
I can't take it anymore.
And I really need to smarten up
and do things for me from now on.

It's time for a bit of a change.

I need to fake it till I make it.

One.

We talk....
Then we don't...
Then we talk again..
.and everytime it's the same old thing.
We go through the basics,
I hint at you and I hanging out,
We flirt like mad crazy,but we never act on it...
I'm so confused... I hate that you make my heart melt.